Royal Heartbreak

So shit just got royally fucked over here…  and as can so often be the case, it is due to a woman.  Not sure that I will be leaving Japan on the 11th anymore.  How can ending a long-time tenuous relationship with The Contortionist fuck up my plans to leave Japan in two weeks?  Well it’s complicated, but basically, I have had to reevaluate my professional goals now that my obligations to her are nullified.  It is suddenly worth my while to stay in Japan long enough to qualify for a new visa and stay here to continue my business instead of flying to Europe to work on projects with her next year.  As such, I’ll just miss my flight on the 11th, and will stay until at least the 24th of January, but more likely, by the time all the immigration red tape settles, the beginning of March.

While all this is not decided, yet (I just discovered the information that led to my deciding to end the relationship about 5 minutes ago) it means I probably will not be visiting Boston where, among other things, I was planning to see my best friend from MIT.  I feel like the two of us could have really used a good night of commiseration and foolishness imbibing intoxicating spirits all the while mocking ourselves for being clichés.

But the cliché may be the fucking point.

Fuck, I feel more free than I have in a long time, but it is a scary freedom.  I feel old.

I will decide on the 9th if I miss my plane or not, but right now, I feel like being able to return to Japan and pick this shit up where I left off is preferable to starting over in Europe, empty handed and alone in the spring. But I am probably just falling victim to my own suppressed emotions.  Fuck having been such a nerd all through grade school… it upped my autism quotient and makes it harder to be human now.

Fuck. The Contortionist and I are really over.  I had suspected for a month or so that things were going to go this way.  I don’t hate her or anything, I just feel nothing which, in a way, is worse.  I guess that seems cold, but I mean, if she writes me or talks to me, I know I can be friendly.

Anyways.  all that happened tonight.  I think I go get drunk with a bunch of girls now…  heading to a temple and shrine with The Political Scientist to see in the New Year, and then to a club with her and some French friends to dance until dawn.

A whole bunch of news and shit about business, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like a good time to talk about it.

Lietuva Tatemae

One of my Lithuanian expo friends, The Political Scientist, got upset with me at a party last night because I was acting differently at the party than I do with her alone.

I know that I act differently at parties than with closer friends.  I will be up-front and honest about the reasons (flattering to me or not):

  1. When I am with a lot of people who I don’t know, I want to talk to everyone and all at once.
  2. When I am talking to people I like to find out a lot about them, and to do this, I often change the way I interact with each person.  I find that people are most comfortable with new people who reflect a similar energy to themselves, so I try to match the energies of new people, particularly those whom I don’t know very well.
  3. I admit that I like it when people like me and are happy to be with me.  Some say this is narcissistic and borderline unhealthy, but I haven’t decided if this is actually a bad thing or not.
  4. The Political Scientist and I clicked quickly compared to most of the other people I know here so I am much more comfortable opening up, looking stupid and silly, and showing off when we are alone.  I am much more guarded and ‘other person’ focused when I am in large groups.
  5. Another result of this is that I might spend more time with new people than people I am closer to – this can be seen as taking the closer friend for granted instead of as evidence of how close the two people are.  on the flip side, it becomes necessary to find a common “clin d’oeil” so that both people know that the connection between them is still shared.
Acrobats setting up for a circus street show in France

Many Problems Abound

Today was the first day of final exam presentations which were a lot more fun than I expected them to be.  It’s not too high-stress.  I managed by best side summies and hit the standing full.  Mario mentioned to the jury that I kept working in spite of my wrist injury which was nice of him. 

Aladdin went, and that’s the most important thing: it’s just done. 

Trampo was fine, I had fun but I mistakenly thought it was two warm-ups and one real one but it was actually one warm up and two real ones and I screwed up on one of the real ones but I still had fun and the teacher didn’t fail me.  I’m really tired because I got in at 1am this morning from Boston where I spent a day or two to see friends. 

Friday night I went out to The Clown’s house which was fun.  I was able to actually shoot the breeze and make people laugh and be interesting in French which is an improvement. 

The Clown and I worked on our juggling number for about 90 minutes today because we present tomorrow.

Circus acrobats doing a two-high column in the annual show of the National Circus School

The Russian Connections

Working with a handbalancing graduate while Byamba is away.  He’s teaching more about the Russian style and I’m getting a big planche workout from him.

Getting pointers from Larissa’s husband.

Wall work.

Seeing the national geographic special on the Russian circus and school.

ITA: being ported by The Clown and porting The Clown.

Talking with Alexander about the school and that his son will help me out.

Working with The Clown on the juggling number.  The idea of a moveable screen and playing with the impossibility illusions there.

Main a main and being annoyed by the flyers annoying uppityness.

Sylvain being much less friendly to me.

Having the review of fall session’s sante class and trying to make The Acrobat laugh without laughing myself.

The flyers’ annoying uppityness extending to that class too.

Pizza night almost all in French.

The Russians talking to some colon cleaner lady in Russian.

Flexibility and musculation crammed into an hour.

Seeing Larissas hoop and web act.  Spinny.  Interesting.

Group act in the animation before the National Circus School annual show

Grumpiness And Burnout At Circus School

Slept in again, missing my equilibre major class but with no Byamba, I am not too worried.

Started with ITA where I stayed at the cradle the whole time.  I ported for over half the class.  Alexander is giving me good advice.  He said that he would buy me a huge bag of peanuts at Costco when he goes next.  I almost finished the ones he said I could take from him yesterday right before I almost got a migraine before trampo.

I worked with The Clown in juggling on our number that we have to prepare for the end of the year.  It will be a hat number.  It is funny that it is the two of us and then the rest of the class, most of whom worked with us in the evaluation concept.

We presented to them and I think thought it looked pretty good.  Main a main was ok too, but I was sick of the girls, who would sit in a spot that they repeatedly were almost run into as others of them fell from the barre russe.  Dumb!  People really seem to be getting on my nerves lately.

In movement I got to do my first contact impro class with The Contortionist.  Have to admit it was a little more fun that my second time with one of the first year guys.  Anyways, the technique is making more sense, now.

Then I did a little Byamba equilibre.  I also talked with The Trapezist about Russian teachers and things like that.  We obviously have differing opinions on the matter.  Now I’m tired and not looking forward to dance.

Night.

Graduating class of the National Circus School

Be Careful What You Say In Handstand Class

Ah well, where do I start.  I learned that an ex-girlfriend started dating one of my friends, and I ended up staying home from school for 2 days.  It did my knee well though, and Friday went pretty well.  I was embarrassed to discover that in dance I was unable to do any of the sequences, and that Martine was being very picky about the music.  I am still way behind, and still have no music.

Monday was nice, being back in jeu.  Larissa got really mad at me when I showed The Clown how to do a skill though, and she had to have one of the other Russian teachers come over and yell at me “if you want to teach the course, I will be happy to stay home.”  So I decided to not talk anymore in her class, which seems to work.  The Clown and The Dreamer had a fun time trying to get me to talk.

The Trapezist needing teachers to be all supportive and happy about her and her weight.

Being told by another two teachers that I think too much.  The Trapezist really seeming to get a vindictive thrill about it.

My disturbing dreams for movement, with the “I am I was I was I come I love’ song.  I did the dying dog dream, The Trapezist did one about her parents killing themselves over and over, another girl did one about almost being raped, and The Contortionist did one about being a bird flying around and not caring.

Byamba playing with things in the equilibre area, like sliding on the canes and throwing the water bottles to the window.

Byamba massages that hurt but feel really good.

Two extra equilibre classes this week to make up for last week.

Me being a ‘sausage’ in trampo course.

This is a lot like high school, even in the way I interact with teachers.

Handstand tableau in the National Circus School of Montreal annual show

Circus Crush

Morning equilibre, not as good as last night, but what can you expect?

Did pullups with weight in preparation physique today.

Skipped trampo minor due to knee problems, and slept in sauna instead.

Talked with Alex about just doing static cradle, and he said, ‘Tanabe, understand well, it is called intro to arial, not arial minor.  It is alright.”

Did my first mount on cradle it was fun.

I have my front and back giants back on barre fixe, which is nice.

I am starting to find ways to put juggling skills together into a routine, which will be nice for busking purposes.

One of the other first years is a pain in the butt in that he really can’t take people joking about him, but will be as cruel as he wants to others.  He looks a lot like a guy on a ‘youth and alcohol’ booklet that we all had to read, but was upset when I told him that, and was pretty mean in finding something to say to me about it.   I laughed.  That’s all there is to it.  He’s getting a bad reputation for dropping partners.

Main a main was with Natalie today, and we just played around.  Learned a lot, though.

The Trapezist was all happy because her exboyfriend emailed her.  I said that she gives him a lot of power that way.  She was mad at me because I mentioned how women get emotionally affected by what other people say about their bodies, but that came up because of some things that Russian speaking equilibre student overheard about Larissa saying about his girlfriend.  The Trapezist said that she needs someone to make her feel good as a teacher.  I had to disagree.

Jinny Jacintho was subbing today.  Everyone knows I’m have a fan crush on her but I didn’t get a chance to talk with her.  I hope I get another chance.  The Clown was upset I didn’t grab this one.

Evaluation concept was interesting.  We kind of nailed down the juggling portion of the show, but I had to step into a much more directorial role.  I didn’t mind, but at the end, we all sat down and talked about the working situation.  Of course the usual suspects missed the meetings.  We decided to have non-mandatory writing meetings that would be led by The Clown and myself, and that rehearsals would be when that writing is presented to the group.  People were pretty receptive to it.

Pizza night was pretty tame, I wanted to leave early to get on with the Journal and to hopefully get some sleep.

I start to find The Dreamer cute.

I broke the dance bar with The Acrobat last Monday.  Oops.