Remembering the Departed

Sometimes I forget that the Political Scientist is gone.  The forgetting is not so bad.  It’s the remembering that crushes me.

The meetings with Tokyo Productions went well – better than expected, even.  But what does it mean when afterwards I can’t talk about it with my friend?

I was so excited to get home from Shibuya to tell her all about it; then I remembered she was probably deplaning in Moscow at about that time. I used to tell her all my business stories, but now that she’s gone it’s harder to reflect and process everything that’s going on.  It’s easy to lose track of why the fuck I make the life choices I am bound to make.

I saw the Yamanote-sen’s new ‘1 minute English’ video and thought about what I would say to her when I saw it with her.  Then I realized I probably won’t need that material after all.  Instead, I just watched it.  Joyless.

I rode my bike home, taking the back routes as if she were there.  We had some nice conversations on the way home that way.  I liked when she’d snuggle up against my back.  Something about the wind in our faces while we talked about life.  For me, that is us in Tokyo.  forever.

I come home and ‘Naked Lunch,’ the video we wanted to watch together but didn’t have time to before she left, is sitting on the floor and I want to see it, but I will not.

I am not crying, I am paralyzed.  I do nothing.  I can do nothing.

This sadness comes faster than I expected it would.

But it is OK.  I enjoyed every moment with her these last three weeks.  Since our first day in Korea, she was constantly in my life, and I was living in her aura, trying to soak it in so that it would last that much longer when she finally left.  No sadness, no thinking about how this bike ride or that trip on Yamanote-sen would be our last one together for a while.

Instead, I got to have that last train ride home with her – that last illegal bike trip with her – only all by myself.

It was almost like having one more day with her after she left.

And that was worth everything right now.

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