Things did not go as smoothly with The Contortionist being in Hawaii as I had hoped, but at least it gave us a chance to say goodbye face-to-face instead of over email. I miss her, but it is hard for me to think about how I can write to her feeing this strange push and pull; understanding that I am choosing not to be with her despite this being a choice that I make as much for her as for me.
We are in a continually developing film starring us.
She wrote me today telling me that she finds it difficult to move on. I know she can no more forget me as I can forget her, but I told her that she should not let our past paralyze her. She wanted to come visit in a few weeks, but I said that it makes more sense to wait for the Taiwan project. My reasoning is that my schedule is even more hectic here now that it was when our relationship trouble started, and I might be leaving for Taiwan even sooner than expected as I am now co-director. Even if she is free in the next couple of weeks, there is no guarantee that I will be, and I will not necessarily be in the calmest of moods the next 6 weeks or so. I may have looked like a bastard, but I would have looked like more of one if I invited her here and could not spend time with her.
The Contortionist tells me that she is feeling stressed about the next step in her life after her tour with Cirque Theatrical finishes. She must feel a bit like how I’ve been feeling since last August when the end of expo was just around the corner. It’s a crazy time.
She’s planning to start studying to finish her academic education that was interrupted when she came to Montreal for circus school and asked me how she should think about choosing subjects; if she should do as few as possible or as many as possible, what subjects to choose, etc.
My advice to her was to try to do as much as possible for as long as she can. She might be surprised at how well she learns under pressure or that she naturally does better at some subjects than others, and just go with that. Having a variety of subjects to work on at one time is also important because often, if she’s sick of one subject, like math, studying French might be a great way to relax from it. If she’s only studying French, she might not get that sense of “ah, finally, something I enjoy…”
It’s just like how flexibility training can be such a nice change from strength training that it almost feels like you aren’t really working, even though you are getting the benefit of working hard at two things.
But everyone is different. I know that if I just do one thing I get bored; I need to always have a choice and have to feel like there is more to do than I can ever accomplish. For her, it might be easier to do just one or two subjects at a time. I would say at least two, though, or she may get bored quickly!
It’s important for her to keep drop deadlines in mind so that she won’t get stuck with a class you are struggling in. Maybe some of the classes she thinks will be hard will not be so tough after all and she will surprise herself.
She tells me that she hopes I will find someone extraordinary to be “my girl” but that she is having a hard time moving forward; that she is sorry about what happened. I think we should maybe talk about us again after her tour is finished. Maybe she’s right – maybe we could put this ugliness behind us and start over.