I am still in Tokyo. It has been more than a year since setting foot back on this volcanic archipelago of my childhood. In many ways, the Japan that I remeber has crumbled into the sea. That Japan stays forever in my memory, but what remains – presently – before me, is a land of opportunity. It is like my ‘wild west’ has shot far past California and the Polynesian islands to come full circle and rest here in the ever-renewing, ever-crumbling Land of the Rising Sun.
Here, I can be what I want to be. I can be White or Asian, American or European. I can be an Artist or a Businessman or a Scientist. I can be young or old, exotic or commonplace… whatever I say is what I am.
I am trying to produce this show. Starting in June, I go to Taiwan to make a new circus show. I am working with a director friend of mine as new project coordinator and assistant director. I am trying to produce the Japanese leg of the tour. We are also directing the first major modern circus festival in Asia. We get to work with former classmates, cirque du soleil artists, and some of the biggest names in circus today. I will finally be a “producer” with a company starting to making a name for itself. I am brokering deals larger than any I ever imagined while living in a one-room apartment with two Lithuanian roommates and no shower.
I’m reading voraciously. At least two books a week. Science journals. Social criticism. Philosophy. Novels. I read in French, in English, in Japanese, anything to stay mentally active.
Most people aren’t as interesting as these opportunities are so I don’t lose to much time to social things. The friends I do have are as close to me as they are different from each other. Journalists, politicians, teachers, public relations experts. They keep me moving in different circles from each other so the water around me cstays clean and swiftly-flowing.
I have my vices… I like to drink, I drink a lot every couple of weeks, and I like flirting with women. I’m liking it a lot more than I was liking having a girlfriend. Every month, I find I need to spend money on a nice dinner and show to feel like (despite my less than luxurious living conditions) can still appreciate finer things from time to time.
I get job offers frequently for nice, stable jobs that I will not like. Interviewing for such jobs helps me practice negotiation and learn for myself that business is all about convincing people that they need you, and then proving it. It is about finding out what you are worth, knowing what you are worth, getting more, and then living up to it.
I am enjoying myself, but whenever I give myself a break, I get depressed. A fifteen-minute break from the computer writing business emails or running from meeting to meeting makes me feel like I am building everything on a lie; that everything is escaping me. I wake up in the middle of the night to edit publicity videos, to write web pages, to contact investors. I am never alone from my thoughts.
This is why I love meeting people. They provide the best way to escape my own head. I simply enter theirs, care about what they care about, and learn about a world that is as alien as any extraterrestrial planet: my world as seen by someone else.
I am forcing myself to take a break. I will go to Hawaii and Minnesota at the end of March, and will only allow myself 3 business stops a week of no more than 4 hours each. I will think of nothing, and write all the time. I will climb mountains and hike rainforests and drive in lazy loops and piercing treks across the plains. I will excersise outside and breathe clean air and smoke a cigar on the beach.
All this will come to an end. If I accomplish what I truly hope to accomplish in the next two years, it is time for another change. It is time for university; it is degree time.
I am sure that someday in my life I will grow up and settle down. I am sure that someday I will find a way to keep my mind on one path, but for now, at age 28, there are so many mountains to climb and so many paths to take.
Science, art, business, politics, writing… who know what it all means and where it all leads.
At least I have moments, every couple of weeks or so; in the neon underbrush of Shibuya or the quiet, European streets lining the inside of the Yamanote loop… in Japanese lessons with the woman who has taught my father, sister, and me for almost 22 years… biking through the rain, or drinking a fragrant, inky wine with a beautiful woman over a savory meal and spicy political discourse a quarter mile above the quiet chaos below… when I can step outside of myself, my life, into the realm where I exist close to the people I love – my family – a place far removed from the four dimensions of everyday life.
Where your presence warms my spirit and moves my soul and makes me understand that wherever I go, whatever I do, I am not alone in the world.
I hope to make you all proud someday,
Your loving son and brother,
The Travelling Acrobat