A Waste of Two Months

I’m trying not to get depressed about my long-distance relationship with The Contortionist.  I tell myself that things just happen the way they happen, and it is fruitless to try and control them.

Things are tough with her right now – it’s easier for me to deal with distance than it is for her.  I get really lost in my work; I need to keep going with these projects, and for now that means I am in Tokyo 100%.  It feels like she has pressure to be with people who are on tour with her.

The Contortionist asks how things are going outside of work.  Well, there is no “outside of work,” and that means that everything sucks.  Today I had a really depressing meeting with another producer friend of mine…  I’m basically about to give up on everything in Japan.  I am looking to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

It feels like The Contortionist is saying goodbye to me as a boyfriend but maybe everything in my life just looks really dark to me right now.

Sometimes, I wish we would just forget about everything, and other times, I wish that we could just go back to the way things were in circus school…

I am at a new low in my life, feeling really alone.

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