The challenge for me is to get back to the writing end of things; I love the physical side and all of that, but I have let the writing side of me die a little bit; so this next project is going to have a lot to do with writing because it is based on the life and work of a writer.  He was also a world traveler, so there will be a lot of travel involved.  Being in Japan for this part of the project is great, really inspiring.  I am learning a lot more about race and culture and where I fit in all of it.  It is never as simple as we once thought.

As for money, well, you never know.

It is a totally fucked up way to try and do this, but I figure, if this is the way I like making shows and I like the shows that come out of it, and if we were able to make enough money to have a nice Christmas and New Years, then maybe there is a way to pull this kind of production off as a living, particularly after getting the money from this Expo project, and hopefully getting a few grants.

I have some people interested in this thing, I think, and not the sort of people you would normally associate with a theater-circus-dance show; professors from the US and the UK and Bulgaria, a Bulgarian playwright, a bagpipe player, an artist from Lithuania…

It is crazy, and with all these ideas flying around, I am getting some good inspiration.

I am drinking a lot and partying a lot and writing a lot and training only basics, strength and flexibility and a little bit of movement on my own, like what we did with The Actor.

I have really started enjoying absinthe and i am reading all the fucking time; circus school made me forget how that feels… to absorb all this knowledge and disagree with it or challenge it or just get pissed off by it; it feels like taking a breath, and practicing my writing at the same time is giving me a voice too… with the two together, I plan to scream like a fucking banshee, soon, and then we will see what happens.

The Clown wrote me to say that he had tried to send me a text message but I don’t think I ever got it – I don’t really know how to use these things.  He was asking if I am disappointed in him.  Come on.  I couldn’t be prouder, really.  As far as I can tell all this business about Soleil is what we were always talking about; getting there, taking advantage, and accepting on our terms.  If he can do that, it is all good, I already know that he is going to make great material.  It’s good to hear The Clown say that he is keeping busy before the contract with Soleil, especially after that stressful time where he was feeling like he had nothing.  The absolute best experiences I have ever had in my life have had to do with the two productions I did with him.

Of course he asked about how things are with The Contortionist, well, it is hard to say, love is always complicated.  I want to be in love, but The Contortionist doesn’t seem to understand exactly what I want to do and what drives me to do it.  This puts distance between us, and on top of that, we see each other maybe twice or three times a year.

So we will see what happens.  I fly to New Zealand to see her in a couple weeks.

Things are always more complicated, and the further we dig, the more complicated they get.

 

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