i keep a journal.
which is probably the best way to make sure that things that matter to me on a scale greater than 24 hours will never be written down.
it is in my 15 minute walks back and forth from school that i actually am faced with and choose to confront the reasons for this day following the previous eight-thousand four-hundred and fifty-one.
this is it, all cards on the table.
my goal in life is to understand the practice of honesty in order to grossly improve the lives of those i can affect and/or use a shotgun to spray head-gore all over the wall behind me.
so i guess that i am in the middle of a terribly self-absorbed time of my life right now in that i have come up to this mental block. until i know what it means to be honest, i can have no way of knowing if i should be allowed to play with other kids.
becuase there are a million things that can be mistaken for honesty, such
as: power, fear, laziness, media, and goverments.
so the search is on for a media through which honesty can flow unhindered.
and i thought that maybe the place to look for such a thing was everywhere, but turns out that there are too many people looking everywhere and that screws everywhere up.
so it’s acrobatics as art for my textbook of truth.
but what does it mean that everything that hinders my study of acrobatics is the everythings that other people want so much of? sleep, food, friends, rest, etc? is it my tradeoff for being so self-centered?
why is it that the further along this path i go, the more i need to shed.
if all goes well, i may be in moscow all alone in the most selective circus school in the world, privately trained in the russian tradition. i will own clothes and a milk crate of books. the time i spend with friends will diminish from once a month to maybe once a year.
is isolation so necessary in an essential search for essences?
if not so physically, at least in a mental state. and until you can keep the mental state guarded…
all i’ve learned so far is that the best advice comes in the form of someone telling you something you already knew.
and having that make you better.
and the best revelation is understanding something you can’t ever learn.
there is a reason, i’m sure, that socrates had an aversion to writing things down.
fortune cookies are glad that confucious and all his slanty eyes peers didn’t.
i hate saying things. writing things.
how will i know when it is worth it? when i have figured everything out i guess. necessarily on my own i guess.
is it possible to find a person who can make you feel more alone than you do all by yourself?
is it healthy to want someone like that?
and not to?
what’s the matter of the matter?