Want To See My Brain?

i keep a journal.

 

which is probably the best way to make sure that things that matter to me on a scale greater than 24 hours will never be written down.

it is in my 15 minute walks back and forth from school that i actually am faced with and choose to confront the reasons for this day following the previous eight-thousand four-hundred and fifty-one.

and so.

this is it, all cards on the table.

my goal in life is to understand the practice of honesty in order to grossly improve the lives of those i can affect and/or use a shotgun to spray head-gore all over the wall behind me.

so i guess that i am in the middle of a terribly self-absorbed time of my life right now in that i have come up to this mental block.  until i know what it means to be honest, i can have no way of knowing if i should be allowed to play with other kids.

becuase there are a million things that can be mistaken for honesty, such

as: power, fear, laziness, media, and goverments.

so the search is on for a media through which honesty can flow unhindered.

and i thought that maybe the place to look for such a thing was everywhere, but turns out that there are too many people looking everywhere and that screws everywhere up.

so it’s acrobatics as art for my textbook of truth.

but what does it mean that everything that hinders my study of acrobatics is the everythings that other people want so much of?  sleep, food, friends, rest, etc?  is it my tradeoff for being so self-centered?

why is it that the further along this path i go, the more i need to shed. 

if all goes well, i may be in moscow all alone in the most selective circus school in the world, privately trained in the russian tradition.  i will own clothes and a milk crate of books.  the time i spend with friends will diminish from once a month to maybe once a year.

is isolation so necessary in an essential search for essences?

if not so physically, at least in a mental state.  and until you can keep the mental state guarded…

all i’ve learned so far is that the best advice comes in the form of someone telling you something you already knew.

and having that make you better.

and the best revelation is understanding something you can’t ever learn.

there is a reason, i’m sure, that socrates had an aversion to writing things down.

fortune cookies are glad that confucious and all his slanty eyes peers didn’t.

i hate saying things.  writing things.

how will i know when it is worth it?  when i have figured everything out i guess.  necessarily on my own i guess.

is it possible to find a person who can make you feel more alone than you do all by yourself?

is it healthy to want someone like that?

and not to?

not to.

what’s the matter of the matter?

s’ok.

s’ok.

Circus acrobats doing a two-high column in the annual show of the National Circus School

The Russian Connections

Working with a handbalancing graduate while Byamba is away.  He’s teaching more about the Russian style and I’m getting a big planche workout from him.

Getting pointers from Larissa’s husband.

Wall work.

Seeing the national geographic special on the Russian circus and school.

ITA: being ported by The Clown and porting The Clown.

Talking with Alexander about the school and that his son will help me out.

Working with The Clown on the juggling number.  The idea of a moveable screen and playing with the impossibility illusions there.

Main a main and being annoyed by the flyers annoying uppityness.

Sylvain being much less friendly to me.

Having the review of fall session’s sante class and trying to make The Acrobat laugh without laughing myself.

The flyers’ annoying uppityness extending to that class too.

Pizza night almost all in French.

The Russians talking to some colon cleaner lady in Russian.

Flexibility and musculation crammed into an hour.

Seeing Larissas hoop and web act.  Spinny.  Interesting.

Group act in the animation before the National Circus School annual show

Grumpiness And Burnout At Circus School

Slept in again, missing my equilibre major class but with no Byamba, I am not too worried.

Started with ITA where I stayed at the cradle the whole time.  I ported for over half the class.  Alexander is giving me good advice.  He said that he would buy me a huge bag of peanuts at Costco when he goes next.  I almost finished the ones he said I could take from him yesterday right before I almost got a migraine before trampo.

I worked with The Clown in juggling on our number that we have to prepare for the end of the year.  It will be a hat number.  It is funny that it is the two of us and then the rest of the class, most of whom worked with us in the evaluation concept.

We presented to them and I think thought it looked pretty good.  Main a main was ok too, but I was sick of the girls, who would sit in a spot that they repeatedly were almost run into as others of them fell from the barre russe.  Dumb!  People really seem to be getting on my nerves lately.

In movement I got to do my first contact impro class with The Contortionist.  Have to admit it was a little more fun that my second time with one of the first year guys.  Anyways, the technique is making more sense, now.

Then I did a little Byamba equilibre.  I also talked with The Trapezist about Russian teachers and things like that.  We obviously have differing opinions on the matter.  Now I’m tired and not looking forward to dance.

Night.

Back In The Game

Skipped jeu after a night of general malady of the emotions and calling friend after friend to no real avail.  Did preperation physique first, and was a little floored by 5 minutes of jump roping and a 2x rope climb, but in general, I did OK.  I have awesome rope burns on my feet and insides of my knees.

I learned to always volunteer first, which I did anyway, but in the case of the rope climb, I started from sitting without using feet just like we did on the MIT gymnastics team, and then when I could no longer do it, I switched to using feet.  I also climbed all the way to the top, and did a slow descend with one arm at a time.  After, he clarified that we could start from standing, use feet, etc, and could slide down.  Most started from standing with feet and arms, and made it halfway before sliding down.  Would I have done what I did if I hadn’t gone first?  Probably.  But going first allows you to set your own bar without looking like a showoff.

Equilibre was fun, Larissa worked us hard.  I definitely feel like I am back in the groove.  She also gave me the phone number and fax of the Moscow school, which I will try calling later.

I am getting much better at the stumph’s.

She also has me doing the stumph to both blocks being thrown away at the same time.  Oh!  And we saw Larissa’s weird bendy pole act, which she did not like, but it was fun seeing her be a performer.

In trampo I actually did the piked barani.  Just had to take it easy, and be an observer of the trick at the same time as a performer of the trick.  Relax!

Richard was not there for fil, so The Clown and I watched a video of hat stuff for inspiration for our juggling number we need to do.

The Aerialist came in and watched an old school show, and we all agreed that the technical skill was better then, and she was mad when I was critical of technique.  I saw the number of the guy who I might have seen in alegria (equilibre) and commented that I didn’t like all the cheesy discovery of the apparatus stuff, but she said that this might have been the first time it had been done, and so was not cheesy.  I think it was still cheesy.

Then I tricked The Contortionist into thinking that a guy who looked a lot like her roommate really was him and that it was last years evaluation concept.  She believed me so much that I had to tell her the truth.

Then flexi and muscu.  The Flyer wanted me to teach her some martial arts too.  When someone put in the mortal kombat theme, she raced over to attack The Clown and me, but I defended myself reflexively a little too aggressively, and I think that caught her off guard.

During flexi, Larissa came over to me and introduced her Russian husband who spoke Japanese to me, but I do not think he understood my English or French.  Then they left without her introducing him to The Clown.  Niether of us know what this means.  Russian thing?  The Clown says, ‘but I am not really her ideal student.’